Quiet Houses
by fagur fiskur
Summary: Jim and Spock have a highly private conversation, overheard by several of their friends. K/S. Slash, not happy. Rated for language.
1. Quiet Houses

**A/N:** My first Star Trek fic and it's a shamelessly self-indulgent, un-betaed piece of romantic angst. I feel like I probably shouldn't be posting this, but hey, I've posted worse and someone might actually enjoy this. You never know. And regarding the title… yeah, I had nothing, so I just slapped on a title from an awesome Fleet Foxes song and called it a day.

EDIT (06.01.10): I've had my beta look over this, so it's at least edited for spelling mistakes.

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**Quiet Houses**

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"Here it is," Scotty said proudly and pointed at the bathtub. It was filled to the brim with a suspicious amber liquid. His four companions shared worried glances.

"Seriously?" McCoy groaned. "I thought you were shitting us. You're seriously brewing alcohol in Jim's bathtub? Do you know how much trouble this could get you in?"

Scotty waved it off. "The captain loved the idea. Said the tub wasn't getting much use anyway."

"You know this is Spock's bathroom, too, right?" Uhura asked. "What if he reports you?"

"Mr. Spock wouldn't do that," Scotty said easily. "You know how hard the lad works to keep our captain out of trouble."

"This doesn't seem like something he would approve of," Sulu pointed out. "He might just pull the plug on it."

Scotty looked horrified at the thought.

Chekov nodded in agreement. "It does not seem well planned out Mr. Scott. Perhaps you should move your operation elsewhere."

"B-but it's been here for two weeks," Scott retaliated. "And Mr. Spock has said nary a word against it yet."

"We've been on shore leave for two weeks," Sulu said. "Mr. Spock hasn't been on the ship since we landed. And he's due back again toni-"

He was interrupted by a loud voice coming from the captain's bedroom.

"-better not run away from me this time!"

"It's the Captain," Chekov squeaked. "You do have permission to be here, Mr. Scott?"

Scotty paled. "No- not as such. But I didn't think the laddy would mind…"

"-protest captain, I have not been engaging in any such physical activities-"

"Great," McCoy grumbled. "The bloody hobgoblin's here too. We'd better leave. Through Spock's side."

"Don't play oblivious with me; you know damn well what I'm talking about Spock." They could still hear the captain's angry voice loud and clear through the walls and it made them wonder why Spock hadn't noticed their presence yet.

McCoy went to open the doors from Spock's side, only to find it locked.

"Goddamnit, where the hell is the keypad?" McCoy grumbled. "Of all the places to have an archaic lock…"

His companions were too busy listening to the argument unfurling in the captain's quarters to pay attention to his complaining.

"Captain, we should continue this conversation at a later time," Spock protested. "You are intoxicated and liable to say or do things you might later regret."

"It's a little too late for that," Jim said bitterly. "And I'm not drunk, you know I didn't get a chance to drink more than one sip before you came in and dragged me away."

"What's going on?" Sulu mouthed at Uhura, who could only shrug.

"That Andorian female was-"

"She was flirting with me Spock, there's nothing wrong with that."

"Andorians are highly incompatible with humans, were you to mate with her you would not last through the night with your mind intact."

"I wasn't going to mate with her Spock!" The captain sounded hurt. "I'm not an idiot, I have more self control than that. You… I haven't slept with anyone in almost eight months."

The five eavesdroppers in the bathroom glanced at each other in surprise. Jim Kirk, playboy extraordinaire, had gone through eight months without sex?

"I do not see the necessity in pointing this out to me."

There was a loud _thump _on the wall.

"Don't play this fucking game with me Spock. I'm getting really sick of it. You've been doing this for eight months, and I haven't said a word because I wanted to patient but even I have my limit."

"I do not understand-"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?"

There was a very slight drawl in Jim's voice, and indicator that he had probably had more than that one sip he admitted to.

"It's for you. This… abstinence or whatever you wanna call it, it's because of you. Because I… I needed you to see that I can do it. I can do monogamy and I can do forever too. I want forever."

Spock was silent.

When Jim spoke next his voice sounded impossibly small and hurt, almost broken. "I want you. I always have. You… you're in everything I do. Every fucking breath I take. When you're next to me I feel complete. But I also feel like someone's ripping my heart out, because there's this distance between us that I can't close."

There was a horribly bitter chuckle, a sound that had no business coming out of the mouth of Jim Kirk.

"I'm in love with you. And it's killing me, because you won't even admit you feel the same way."

"Jim." Spock sounded almost as indifferent as always, but there was a tiny crack in his voice that spoke volumes. "I am not capable of these emotions you speak of. I am Vulcan."

This time it wasn't a thud but a hard, solid slap.

All was quiet for a few moments. McCoy glanced at the ashen faces of his coworkers. Chekov's eyes were wet and Uhura had a hand over her mouth.

"Go," the captain finally said. "Leave."

"Jim-"

"Let me keep some of my dignity, will you Spock? Go away."

"No."

"You don't get to do that!" The captain shouted. "You can't say you don't care and then act like you do! I'm through with your bullshit. I've tried to be understanding and I've tried to be patient and all it's done is fuck me over again and again. I can hardly stand to be around you as it is; don't expect me to keep it up for the rest of our five year mission. I'm not strong enough for that kind of treatment."

McCoy could hear the tears through Jim's voice and it broke his heart. Jim never cried, and to hear his friend reduced to this by a few words from that fucking cold blooded Vulcan…

"I am sorry Jim." Spock's voice was low, almost indistinguishable. "I was not aware of the pain I had caused you. I will resign my post as a first officer onboard the Enterprise as soon as possible."

"No!" Jim sounded horrified.

"Captain, my continued presence here is clearly detrimental to your emotional state. The obvious solution would be to transfer me to a different ship-"

"No," Jim repeated. "Forget what I said. Forget everything. I'll get over you; it'll be like nothing happened. Just… please don't leave the Enterprise."

There was a long pause.

"Very well," Spock said at long last, although he did not sound all that convinced. "We will keep our relationship professional. Our weekly chess games will cease."

"Okay." Jim sounded defeated. "I can do that."

They could hear the doors open and close again. For a while none of them spoke. None of them could speak. The conversation they had just witnessed- listened in on- had not been what any of them would have expected.

Finally Sulu spoke. "Should we leave?"

"I don't know," McCoy replied. "Jim'll be devastated if he finds out we heard… all that."

"He's probably asleep," Uhura whispered. "We haven't heard anything in a while."

The others nodded in agreement. McCoy went to the door and opened it. Jim was sitting by his desk, head buried in his arms. He showed no awareness of their presence, so McCoy concluded he was probably sleeping. He nodded at the others, who followed him out the door.


	2. Your Protector

**A/N:**Okay, wow. I freakin' love the Star Trek fandom! I got four reviews like, twenty minutes after I posted the first chapter. I adore you people!

So because you're all so awesome, here's another chapter of shamelessly self-indulgent angst for y'all! Fresh of the keyboard!

Also, to nkitty29 (log in before you review if you don't want a public response): Yeah, that's probably because that's where I got the idea from. It's from the episode 'The One the Morning After'.

PS: Anyone who gets the Search for Spock reference owns my heart.

PPS: Title comes from another Fleet Foxes song. I am oh so creative.

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**Your Protector**

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Things were awkward. Of course, McCoy reasoned to himself, they had to be awkward, after what they had witnessed. He was just glad he didn't work on the bridge; he could only imagine how uncomfortable that must be right now. Chekov had reportedly almost burst into tears after a particularly tense shift.

But even though he wasn't on the bridge crew, McCoy was still Jim's best friend and as such he spent a lot of time with the captain. Especially since Jim had completely stopped hanging out with Spock after shifts.

Jim was a freaking mess; there was no other way to describe him. He hid it well, but McCoy had known him for too long to be blinded by strained smiles and forced chuckles. The young Captain's eyes were red-rimmed and hollow. He had an aura of defeat about him and that was terrifying, because James T. Kirk did not just give up. He fought and he turned no-win scenarios into victories and death into a fighting chance to live.

And the fucking green-blooded hobgoblin was completely unaffected. It wasn't fair, McCoy thought. No one who treated Jim like this should be allowed to get away with it. McCoy normally wouldn't let him either, but he knew that anything he did or said would only hurt Jim more.

It was getting increasingly harder to sit at the sidelines and see his friend get worse instead of better and crew morale plummet along with his 's crew was incredibly loyal to him and as such they were all deeply affected by his mental state.

The perfect opportunity to confront Jim came with the captain's yearly physical. McCoy had been wondering how to talk to Jim without showing how much he knew and it came to him as he observed his friend's weight.

"You've dropped nearly five kilos," the doctor told Jim. "Haven't you been eating properly?"

Jim shrugged. "You know how busy this job gets. I promise I'll find time to eat from now on."

"You're not getting of that easily. This is more than just on-the-job stress."

Jim eyed McCoy warily and didn't respond.

McCoy sighed. "I don't really know what's going on." '_Liar', _his mind whispered. He ignored it. "But I do know it has something to do with Spock."

Jim had clearly not been expecting that. His eyes widened and he suddenly had the look of a deer caught in the headlights.

"There's nothing between me and Spock," he said carefully.

"Sure there isn't," McCoy said sarcastically. With a gentler tone he said, "Jim, if you need to talk about it-"

Jim shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about."

"You're not eating," McCoy told him. "You probably aren't sleeping so well either. You've been _crying-_" Jim flinched. "-we both know damn well that there's something to talk about. Now are you gonna tell me, or am I going to have to ask Spock?"

It was a dirty shot, but it worked. Jim sighed in defeat.

"I like him," he admitted. "In a different way than a captain should like his first or even his friend."

McCoy nodded. This was pretty common knowledge on board the Enterprise. None of them had any idea just how deep those emotions ran though. Or they hadn't a few weeks ago.

Jim ducked his head. "Actually, it might be a bit more than that."

"You love him."

Jim looked up in surprise. McCoy's face was grim, sympathetic. Jim felt his control waver.

"Yes." His voice was hoarse, no more than a whisper.

"And you told him so."

Jim nodded, not trusting his voice anymore.

"And he rejected you."

Jim ducked his head again and McCoy suddenly felt unbelievably cruel for having brought this up, for pushing the subject.

"I thought he loved me back," Jim confessed and his voice was again as small and hurt as it had been all those weeks ago. "No, I knew it. The other Spock loved his Jim. I could feel it when he melded with me. There was unconditional love and I wanted that for myself."

He drew a quivering breath. "I've never put myself out there like that. There wasn't anyone worth the risk but Spock… Spock was worth it. So I tried, I really did. I put myself out there and look where it got me." He laughed bitterly. "He didn't just reject me, he completely closed me off. He won't even look at me when we're not on shift together."

"Oh, Jim."

McCoy had nothing to say, no words of comfort. This wasn't a situation he had ever really expected. So he did the best he could and wrapped his arms around his friend, bringing him as close as possible. Jim clung to him in return and shook with silent tears.

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I might be somewhat in love with crying!Jim. I don't mean to make him into a sissy or anything, but it's unrequited love (or so he thinks). That's enough to make anyone cry, especially when the feelings in question are as strong as what Jim feels for Spock.

This isn't over yet though, so don't lose hope for them yet!

I was actually gonna put one chapter with Jim's POV of the first before posting this, but when I was almost finished with it I read it over and it felt forced and repetitive. Obviously I didn't want that, so I deleted the whole thing and focused on this instead.


	3. Sun It Rises

**A/N:** Oh my god! You guys are awesome! Like, McCoy awesome! 14 freaking reviews in one day? This was just meant to be me venting my angst and then people actually liked it! You beautiful, beautiful people. You are melting my little heart and that's not good, because I need my heart encased in ice if I'm gonna keep treating Jimmy like I've been doing.

Title is from another great Fleet Foxes song, because it's kind of a theme by now.

Oh, and congrats to nkitty29 and MirrorFlower and DarkWind for catching the Search for Spock reference. You are brilliant people:D

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**Sun It Rises**

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"You have to talk to him."

Uhura looked up from her lunch to see McCoy standing over her, an unreadable expression on his face.

She put down her sandwich. "Okay… who do I have to talk to?"

"Spock," McCoy said and sat down next to her. "I can't stand this anymore. We're not doing Jim any favors by ignoring the situation anyway."

"What do you want me to say?" Uhura asked. "We're not supposed to know anything, remember?"

"Well, at this point even a blind monkey can see that something ain't right," McCoy told her. "I would tell him off myself, but I promised Jimmy I wouldn't. That leaves you. You know the bastard better than anyone on this ship and you're not afraid of him like most of the crew."

Uhura shook her head. "Nothing good can come out of us getting involved in this. It's none of our business."

McCoy scoffed. "None of our business? I don't know about you, but Jim's my friend. The minute Spock hurt him it became my business." He paused. "You know Nyota, I never took you for someone who would let this kind of injustice stand."

He stood up and was gone before Uhura could respond. She looked down on the half-eaten sandwich on her plate and suddenly all appetite was gone. It wasn't that she didn't want to get involved. She just honestly thought they could solve this on their own. Spock may be kind of (very) emotionally stunted, but he wasn't cruel. He had to see what kind of effect his rejection was having on Kirk.

As the weeks passed it had become increasingly obvious that this wasn't going to just go away. Spock was stubborn as hell and Kirk would rather suffer in silence than do something about it and risk making the situation even worse. Uhura couldn't really blame him, if she had gotten hurt like that she wouldn't be very willing to take more risks either.

They needed a little push, or in Spock's case, a kick in the ass.

Later, on the bridge, Uhura wondered why she hadn't realized this before. The air was so tense you could cut through it with a knife. Kirk and Spock wouldn't even look at each other unless absolutely necessary. How had they endured this for so long?

As soon as the shift ended Uhura grabbed Spock's arm and dragged him off, ignoring the Vulcan's confused expression (one eyebrow raised; higher than sarcastic, lower than fascinated).

She pulled him into the turbolift and locked it. When she turned to face him the eyebrow had gone down and he looked as composed as always.

"What is the meaning of this lieutenant?" Spock asked.

"You're an idiot," Uhura told him with an angry wave of her finger. "And you're stubborn and frustrating as hell-"

"Does this have a point lieutenant?" Spock cut in impatiently.

"I'm getting to the point," Uhura snapped. "You… when people called you cold-blooded or mean or a bastard I always used to defend you, because I knew that deep down you were just as feeling as anyone else. They just didn't understand you like I did. Now I'm wondering if maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was the one who didn't understand."

Spock's brow was furrowed. "What is this regarding?"

"Kirk."

She watched his face carefully for reaction and was rewarded as his eyes darkened slightly.

"What happens between me and the captain is none of your concern-"

Uhura cut him off with a raised hand. "I'm making it my concern Spock, since you two clearly can't work it out on your own. Now tell me what the hell is going on."

"It is none of your concern," Spock repeated. "And as long as our disputes do not affect the command of the ship it will remain so."

"Fine," Uhura said. "If you won't tell me I can figure it out myself. Let's see if I don't have this right… Kirk is in love with you."

Spock didn't respond, but Uhura could tell he wasn't completely unaffected either. She continued. "He told you oh, say, five weeks ago. And you, in return, shot him down. Not only that, you're completely ignoring him. How am I doing so far?"

Spock swallowed. "A little too well."

"I thought so. Spock, what the hell are you thinking? So you don't love him back, I get that, but you can't honestly think it's right to treat him like this. He's your friend!"

"What I may or may not feel for Captain Kirk is irrelevant," Spock said. "By keeping my distance I am eliminating all emotional ties between us. The captain will recover and at the end of our five year mission I shall undertake the kolinahr ritual."

"What you may…? Eliminating …? The kolinahr? The purging of all emotions?" Spock nodded. It took Uhura a moment to wrap her head around the meaning of it.

Then it dawned on her. "You love him!" Spock's silence was all the confirmation she needed. Uhura shook her head in amazement. She couldn't believe she hadn't seen it before. And here she thought she knew Spock. "Why didn't you tell him? You know he loves you back, what purpose could it possibly serve to deny your emotions like this?"

"It is… improper for a Vulcan to feel this way," Spock said stiffly.

Uhura scoffed. "Okay, ignoring the part where this is total bullshit... you're half human Spock. You can't be expected to act completely Vulcan. To do so would be denying who you are. Now why don't you tell me the real reason?"

There was an almost daunting silence. For a minute Uhura thought she would get no response, but then Spock spoke. "Jim is a brilliant human," he said. "Whatever he does, he puts everything into it. He deserves someone who can love as freely and completely as he can. Whatever… infatuation he has for me, it will fade and I will have no choice but to let him go."

Uhura bit her lip. "You're wrong," she told him. "Kirk doesn't care about any of that or he wouldn't have fallen in love with you in the first place. He told you he wanted forever, and when Kirk says something like that he m-"

Oh, shit.

Spock's eyes narrowed. "That was a highly private conversation lieutenant."

Oh, _shit. _

Uhura tried to summon back some of her righteous anger from before. "Look, it doesn't matter what I may or may not have overheard. You're going to talk to Kirk and straighten this situation out!" She quickly backed towards the exit. "And if you honestly think that ignoring Kirk is what's best for him then you need to take a good look at him."

With a whoosh the doors opened. "Think about it." With that she hurried out, leaving Spock alone in the turbolift.

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Okay, so Spock got a little bit of chewing out in this chapter. Don't worry, he's got more coming his way. This chapter was kind of low on angst, but just wait until the next one. Jimmy's actually in that one and I'm just as mean to him as I always have been. Please review, for reviews are my anti-drug and my dealer's out of town.


	4. Innocent Son

**A/N:**I feel so loved! I've never gotten such good (well, fast) reception! Clearly melodrama's the way to go.

This chapter is kind of short and low on drama or… anything, really, but I wanted to put something up today and since I'm working tonight I didn't think I'd be able to write more today. Next chapter will be much, much, much juicier. Probably the juiciest yet.

To genclay (remember to log in before you review kiddies!): You bring up a very good point. This is something that's going to get addressed in the following chapters. Also, I just love it when our boys act emotionally dysfunctional:D

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**Innocent Son**

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Another two days passed with little change. To Uhura's disappointment Spock didn't seem to take her angry speech to heart and continued to avoid Kirk while on shift.

("That's because the green blooded hobgoblin doesn't have a heart!")

Uhura had yet to share the details of her conversation with Spock with any of the others; all she had told them was that she'd given him a good talking to. She felt like she would be betraying Spock's trust by revealing anything more.

It was night on the Enterprise and the five eavesdroppers were gathered in the recreation room as so often before, discussing their dilemma.

"I don't see what else we can do," Sulu said helplessly. "Not without revealing how much we know."

Uhura shifted nervously, but didn't say anything.

"You're all thinking about this from the wrong point of view," McCoy said. "What we need to do isn't get them together, we need to help Jim move on."

Chekov looked appalled at the idea. "But the Commander, he loves him! I am sure of it! He will not admit to it, but he does."

McCoy snorted. "You're kidding, right? The bastard doesn't have the ability."

"Mr. Spock did love his mother," Scotty pointed out.

McCoy dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "She was an exception. And even if he can feel affection for Jim he sure as hell isn't capable of showing it."

"The Captain does not need his affections validated," Chekov said with conviction. "He knows Mr. Spock well enough. He did tell him how he felt. He trusts him."

McCoy shook his head. "After all this Spock'll be lucky if Jim trusts him with his lunch, let alone his heart."

They had nothing to say to that.

The next day Jim was in sickbay, spending his break watching McCoy file paperwork. He sat on the doctor's desk, swinging his legs back and forth.

"Would you stop that?" McCoy snapped irritably. "You're shaking the desk."

Jim sighed. "I'm bored."

"Your fault for spending your break in here," McCoy muttered. "Why don't you go to the mess? I'm pretty sure Scotty's been looking for you. Wants to talk about some modification or another."

"Nah," Jim said casually, but there was an underlying strain in his voice that made McCoy glance up. As he suspected, Jim's face had tensed.

McCoy sighed. He could guess well enough why Jim was avoiding the mess. "Come on, we're getting you something to eat."

"But your paperwork-" Jim protested.

"It can wait," McCoy said. "You need to eat something and I'll be damned if I'm letting that green-blooded bastard keep you from it."

He grabbed Jim's hand and led him to the mess with surprisingly little protest. When they arrived Jim glanced nervously around and seemed to relax when he saw no signs of Spock.

"Sit down," McCoy ordered. "I'll go get you something to eat."

Jim nodded. McCoy went to the replicator and filled his trey with nutritious food. He was going to use the opportunity to cram as much of it down Jim's throat as he could. The captain had stopped losing weight, but he could stand to add a little.

When he turned around he saw Jim sitting by a table, a pretty yeoman standing next to him. Even from where McCoy was standing it was obvious she was flirting. And Jim… Jim was glancing around, an uninterested expression on his face. McCoy sighed. His friend's sex drive had gone down to zero since falling for Spock. It was kind of unnerving actually.

Well, not for long. They were only three days from the nearest starbase. McCoy would help Jim move on, even if it killed him.

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Yeah, abrupt ending I know. More will come tomorrow, and it will be awesome. You'll see. I don't think I need to remind you to review, because you're all wonderful people:D


	5. He Doesn't Know Why

A/N: Here it is, as promised, the juiciest chapter yet. Thanks to all those who reviewed and/or favorited:)

Title is, as always from a Fleet Foxes song. Probably the best fitting title yet.

To genclay: I doubt you will be in the minority for much longer and that's all I'm going to say…

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**He Doesn't Know Why**

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Starbase 7 was the biggest starbase this side of the galaxy. It was mainly intended as a stop for cruise ships, and as such had many bars, clubs and other establishments to leech money of tourists. The perfect place to drink and screw your worries away.

As soon as they had the proper clearance McCoy dragged Kirk with him to the nearest club, under the pretenses that he needed a good, solid drink on a good, solid ground (even though said ground was technically no more solid than the floor of the Enterprise).

It seemed to go well enough at first. Kirk was smiling, even though it still seemed slightly forced, and he actually talked to people who approached him. McCoy grinned. Maybe this would be easier than he thought.

Two hours later and Kirk seemed intent on proving him wrong. The more he drank, the more reclusive he became and he hadn't left the bar in nearly fifty minutes.

"You know Jim, we didn't come here so you could glue yourself to the barstool," the doctor shouted through the music.

Kirk swallowed his drink and grimaced. "This is horrible stuff," he informed McCoy. "And what else am I supposed to do? Can't get into barfights anymore…"

"You could, I don't know, socialize?" McCoy suggested. "Maybe dance. How many of those have you had anyway?"

Kirk seemed to think. "Two fingers, one ear and seven toes."

"What?"

"Y'see," Kirk started. "Drinking to forget is easier if you take one little piece at a time. So far I've forgotten… two of his fingers," he held up two fingers, "one ear" he tugged on his ear, "an' seven… toes." He tried pulling up both his feet and lost his balance. McCoy grabbed him before he could bash his head on the counter.

"You're impossible, you know that?" He said in his fondest tone. Maybe it was too soon. He should give it a bit more time, take smaller steps. For once he wished his friend didn't feel everything so deeply. "Stay here and don't move. I'm going to the bathroom and when I get back we're going back to the ship."

Kirk nodded sleepily.

McCoy nodded back and squeezed his way through the crowd towards the bathroom. A small voice at the back of his head told him he probably shouldn't leave Jim alone in his state, but then he reasoned that the kid was half asleep anyway so there wasn't much damage he could do.

He hurried as he could in the bathroom, not touching anything unless he needed to (it looked fairly clean, but you never know with those public places). When he got back the dancing had stopped. Instead most of the club's patrons were cheering for two men fighting in the middle of the dance floor. McCoy groaned.

"God damn it**,** kid."

It was Kirk alright, sporting a gash on his head and the beginnings of a black eye, grinning like a maniac. He was fighting a man that had to have at least 40 kilos on Kirk. McCoy swore. He was going to have to intervene before the idiot broke his skull.

The crowd gasped as the large man kneed Kirk in the stomach. Oh, this was going to be painful…

The Enterprise was completely quiet aside from the whir of her engines. The ship so usually full of people was almost deserted, the majority of the crew having taken advantage of their short stop on Starbase 7.

Scotty loved it. It wasn't often that he got private time with his girl and he was glad to sacrifice a little shore leave to have it. Even if that meant being on duty all night beaming up drunken ensigns and lieutenants.

Speaking of-

"McCoy to Enterprise."

Scotty's joyful demeanor diminished. The doctor didn't sound all too happy. But then, when did Dr. McCoy ever sound happy? "Scott here."

"Two to beam up**,** Scotty," McCoy said. Then, in a lower, crankier voice, "Damnit Jim, stop squirming."

Scotty's eyebrows climbed up his forehead. Clearly the good doctor's plan hadn't worked out as he had hoped. Well, what did he expect when taking a depressed man out drinking?

As soon as McCoy and Kirk appeared in the transportation room. McCoy was stalking off, a half-asleep captain hanging on his shoulder.

He stopped briefly and turned to face Scotty. "The halls are clear, right?" Scotty nodded. "Good. Come on Jim, we're going to Sickbay."

That drew a moan of protest from Kirk. "I dun wanna."

"Sucks to be you."

Scotty shook his head sadly. He just hoped the captain wouldn't remember this tomorrow, he knew how the lad took it close to heart when his crew saw him vulnerable.

Not ten minutes later Spock entered the transportation room. Scotty was suddenly aware of his slouch and hurried to straighten up. The First Officer kind of brought that out in people.

"Where is the captain?" The Vulcan asked and although Scotty was no expert at reading people he could tell that something was off. Spock looked perfectly composed but there was a slight quiver in his voice, almost nervous in quality.

Scotty cleared his throat as he shook himself out of those thoughts. "He's in Sickbay with the doctor."

Something flashed in Spock's eyes but it was gone before Scotty could place it. He had a sudden urge to add 'he's mostly unharmed' but the Vulcan was gone before he could even think of _why _he would say that.

"Jim, would you just… hold… still!"

Kirk yelped as McCoy at long last managed to inject the hypospray in his shoulder, maybe a little harder than was necessary.

"Your bedside manner sucks," Kirk muttered.

McCoy glared at him. "And you're a horrible patient. Maybe I'd be nicer if you just listened to me for once. What the hell were you thinking, picking a fight in your condition?"

"Nothin' wrong with my cond- condition," Kirk slurred. "And he started it!"

"Really now? What did he do, step on your toe?"

"No. He… he punched my fist with his face."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Honestly kid, you're going to be the death of me."

He picked up the dermal regenerator. "Now be still and you won't have to face your crew with a black eye tomorrow."

"I'm sorry Bones," Kirk said quietly after a little while. McCoy glanced up at his friend's miserable face "I didn't meant to cause you trouble. I jus'… I wanted to forget."

"It's okay Jim," McCoy said soothingly. They were quiet as he finished tending to Kirk's wounds. "Okay, you're done. Now you'd better go get some sl-"

"I'm a fuck-up," Kirk said. McCoy stopped short because he had never heard this self-depreciating tone in his best friend's voice before. It was almost more horrifying than seeing him cry.

"You're not a fuck-up," the doctor said helplessly.

"Yes I am," Kirk insisted. "A good captain doesn't get into bar fights. A good captain doesn't get wasted when he's supposed to be on duty the next day. And a good captain doesn't fall in love with his first officer."

McCoy grabbed his shoulders. "You're a good captain Jim. You messed up a little tonight, but that's to be expected. No one's asking you to be perfect."

"Spock is," Kirk said miserably. "I don't… I'll never be good enough for him. No matter what I do I always come up short." He drew a shaky breath. "I don't want to feel this way anymore, Bones. I want to be over him."

McCoy pulled his hurting friend closer. "You'll get there someday. I know it feels like it will never go away, but it will, I promise you."

"Bones," Kirk muttered into his shirt. He looked up, blue eyes shining.

And then McCoy was being kissed.

It took him a moment to realize just what was going on but as soon as he did he pushed Kirk away. The young captain looked confused for a moment, then shameful.

"Jim-"

Whatever McCoy was about to say was lost as he spotted a tall figure standing in the doorway, looking at them in shock. His blood froze in his veins. Spock stared at him and he stared back, not knowing what to do.

It was at that moment that McCoy realized he would never again be able to say Vulcans didn't have emotions.

Just as Kirk turned around to see what was going on Spock snapped out of it and left as swiftly and quietly as he had come.

* * *

*clears throat*

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

Well, you asked for angst and got… melodrama, but still. How many of you hate me right now?

Before you ask, no, this is not going to be a McCoy/Kirk/Spock love triangle. That's too cliché, even by my standards. No, what happened was that Jim was drunk and desperate for some comfort and human contact. As for Bones his feelings for Jim are completely platonic, although he does agree with me that Jim is very pretty.

Also, longest chapter yet! Not that that's saying much… please review!


	6. Isles

**A/N:** I'm sorry I didn't post anything yesterday, but it was a very busy, very long day.

Also, you people are cruel! Seriously, after last chapter I thought some of you might be a little more forgiving of Spock but nope. You're still crying for blood! No worried, I still love you. I hope this chapter will leave you feeling at least a little bad for Spock. He's having a really hard time with all this too.

This picks up immediately where the last chapter left off.

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**Isles**

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He should have expected this. After his rejection it was only natural that the captain move on, that he turn to the person nearest to him. It was human nature.

And the doctor was a good man. Jim would be able to have a fulfilling relationship with him. McCoy would never think to hide his emotions, he would be able to give Jim exactly what he needed. They were compatible.

He should have…

Spock came to a halt a few meters from his quarters. His mind was suddenly filled with emotions, overwhelming, uncontrollable emotion. He had not experienced such anguish for almost two years.

_(And what of your last conversation with Jim, _his mind supplied. He ignored it)

Pain, anger, despair, jealousy, they all tore at him, breaking his carefully constructed walls piece by piece.

But it was an ideal solution. Jim would be happy and Spock would be free off his emotions, the temptation removed. Everyone would get what they wanted.

If only Spock knew what he wanted anymore.

McCoy sighed and rubbed his forehead. He had no concentration whatsoever right now, too focused on everything that had happened the previous night.

After Jim's drunken come-on the kid had promptly passed out, leaving McCoy to drag him back to his quarters. On his way back to Sickbay McCoy had stopped by Spock's room and tried to get him to open up so he could (for some inexplicable reason) explain what had happened. Spock had refused to acknowledge him and after three minutes he had given up (it wasn't as if he liked the son of a bitch in the first place).

Why the hell did Jim have to kiss him? The kid didn't even like him that way and now he had gotten him tangled up in this whole melodramatic mess.

He had no idea what to do. Yesterday he had been so sure that helping Kirk move on would be the best move, but after seeing the look on Spock's face... dammit, this was hard enough without him worrying about that green-blooded bastard too.

There was a knock on the door but before McCoy could reply it opened, revealing his disheveled best friend. Jim smiled hesitantly and lifted McCoy's shoes.

"You left them in my quarters last night," he said. "Or I think they're yours. I'm assuming you're the one who got me safely back to my quarters last night."

"You mean you don't remember?" McCoy asked worriedly.

Jim shrugged. "Nothing since we left the bar. I think it was probably the combination of the alcohol and those numerous hits to my head."

"In other words, you being an idiot," McCoy summed up. "You really don't remember?"

"Nope."

"You don't remember kissing me?"

Jim winced. "Seriously?" McCoy nodded. "I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean anything by it, right?"

"Don't worry 'bout it kid. I've seen you hit drunkenly on people enough to know when you're serious."

"Anything else happen I should know?" Jim asked. "I didn't hit on any other coworkers?"

"Nothing of that sort," McCoy replied. "But…"

"But what?"

"Well, when you kissed me Spock… kind of walked in on us."

Jim's face closed up. "Oh?"

McCoy sighed. He couldn't believe he was about tell Jim this. "He looked hurt."

"Good."

"You don't mean that kid."

Jim's carefully composed mask was starting to slip. "Oh no? He completely rejects me and shuts me out of his life and now he won't even let me move on in good conscience. Just because I'm in love with him it doesn't mean that I belong to him."

"Jim, last night I saw the hobgoblin show more emotion than I've ever seen from him," McCoy said. "He looked like his world had collapsed in on itself. He has to feel something for you or else he wouldn't have felt like that, let alone let it show."

Jim laughed bitterly. "And what if you're right? Do you want me to try again? He rejected me the first time, there's nothing different that would stop him from doing the same again. I can't risk that for some feelings he probably doesn't even have."

"Jim-"

"I can't believe you of all people are asking me to go through this again!" Jim said. "I can't, Bones. If he… if he rejected me again-"

"It's alright Jim," McCoy cut in. "I understand. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

Jim nodded slowly, trying to regain some of his composure. "You up for lunch?" He finally asked.

"Sure," McCoy agreed.

* * *

Yes, short I know. The ending's a bit abrupt too. Forgive me. Next chapter will have some Spock/McCoy confrontation and maybe it'll finally end the chapter after. I think I've milked this story enough. Time to bring this baby home.


	7. False Knight on the Road

**A/N: **I'm glad you guys seem to be slowly forgiving Spock. Really, it's not his fault. If the whole story had been written from his point of view you would have had a much clearer view of his emotions, but since it wasn't he came off as indifferent and a complete jerk. But he's not, he's just very hard to read.

A small warning: This chapter might be disjointed and just plain badly written, since I wrote it in several tiny writing sessions and didn't read it over before posting. Probably a bad idea, but I wanted it up before I passed out from exhaustion (seriously, I've been keeling over all day. I blame it on my erratic sleeping schedule).

Also, woot! Longest chapter yet!

* * *

**False Knight on the Road**

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**

After lunch Chekov and Uhura approached McCoy in his office.

"What the hell happened yesterday?" Uhura asked, cutting right to the chase.

"What do you mean?" McCoy inquired innocently. How could they know? There was no way Spock had blabbed about what he'd seen and Jim hadn't even remembered it.

Uhura sat down and Chekov hovered tentatively beside her. "The air on the bridge is so thick with tension, I can practically feel my shoulders sagging from the weight of it. So… what happened?"

"I took Jim out for a drink," McCoy began. "I was trying to get him to mingle, maybe finally move on. And he mingled alright. Got into a bar fight."

Chekov gasped. "Is he alright?"

"Chekov, you saw him on the bridge half an hour ago," Uhura told him. "He's obviously fine. I'm kind of disappointed in him though."

McCoy shook his head. "Don't blame Jim. He was feeling down, I should have watched his alcohol intake. Anyway, I took him to sickbay and fixed him up. To sum it up, the kid came onto me. Nothing too bad, he just kissed me."

Uhura grinned mockingly. "Fighting and flirting. The Jim Kirk works. It's like an unpleasant blast from the past."

"It's how he copes," McCoy snapped. "Not everyone had the luxury of a well-adjusted childhood. And I'm not finished. Jim kissed me and… Spock walked in on us."

Chekov bit his knuckle. "Is like a bad romance novel."

"Or a soap opera," Uhura suggested. "And why would you find this so terrible? You were the one so intent on getting Kirk to move on."

McCoy sighed. He hated admitting he was wrong, but- "I was wrong. The green hobgoblin may have some feelings after all. Not that he said anything, mind you, but that's the worst part. He didn't need to say anything, it was written all over his face."

Uhura's eyebrows flew up.

"I need to fix this," McCoy said. "But I don't know how, the goddamn Vulcan is so goddamn stubborn. Trying to get him to admit to emotion is like pulling out teeth with a pair of pliers." Chekov winched at the metaphor.

Uhura contemplated this new information. "So the problem is getting Spock to admit to his feelings…"

"Maybe he will do it if he realizes the Captain is slipping away from him?" Chekov suggested.

"Since when did you become an expert on romance?" McCoy said snidely. "You're barely legal."

Uhura held up a hand to shut him up. "No, I think Chekov's right. Spock is obviously waiting for Kirk to move on, but I doubt he figured how he would feel when it actually happened. Maybe it would be enough to shake him out of his denial."

"And how do you suggest we make that happen?" McCoy asked. "Unless we want Jim to actually move on, which we don't."

Uhura grinned. It was a feral grin, almost predatory. "That…" she started. "...is where you come in."

"Doctor McCoy, I understand that you wanted to see me."

McCoy nodded. "Have a seat." Spock ignored the order. McCoy sighed in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't believe I'm doing this. Do you have any idea how much I don't like you?"

Spock inclined his head. "You have been very vocal in your-"

"It was a rhetorical question," McCoy said. "And for Christ's sake, sit down. I don't want to look up at you."

Spock sat. "Doctor, you called me in the middle of my shift saying you had official business to discuss."

"_How do I get him to talk to me?" McCoy asked. "He's kind of avoiding me."_

"_Tell him it's ship business," Uhura suggested. "You know how serious Spock is about his work, he'll agree to anything as long as you tell him it's for the good of the ship."_

"_Or the Captain," Chekov added._

"I lied," McCoy admitted not in the least bit sorry. "This isn't official business and it's definitely off record. It's Jim."

Spock stood up. "If you will excuse me doctor, I am on duty at the moment and cannot waste time discuss personal matters."

"Spock, sit down," McCoy snapped. "I'll be damned if I let you call my attempt at reconciling you with Jim a waste of time."

"_Wait, so now I'm trying to get them together?" McCoy said. "I thought I was supposed to-"_

_Uhura waved her hand dismissively. "You're doing both, okay? I know it doesn't make sense, but Spock has no understanding of human emotion so it won't be too hard to convince him."_

"There is no reconciliation needed. The captain and I are on good terms-"

McCoy shook his head. "You don't believe that. You know Jim doesn't trust you after what you did to him and he's got no reason to." Spock ducked his head slightly and if McCoy didn't know better he'd say the Vulcan was ashamed. Maybe he was. "You hurt him and normally I'd be the first person to shove you in an airlock and maroon you at the nearest planet. But I happen to know for a fact that Jim's not the only one hurting."

"What you walked in on last night…" McCoy hesitated. The next part was crucial to the plan. "One word from you to Jim and it will never happen again. But rest assured if you sit by and do nothing, if you continue to let Jim suffer needlessly, I won't hesitate to take him from you."

"_This is a horrible plan," McCoy protested. "I don't feel anything like that for Jim, we're best friends!"_

"_Yes, but Spock doesn't know that," Uhura said. "Like I told you, he doesn't understand humans or our illogical ways. I'm not sure he's able to tell platonic love from romantic."_

Spock stiffened. "I do not see the point in informing me of this. I have no feelings for the captain and what you do-"

"Like hell you don't," McCoy cut in angrily. He took a deep breath to calm himself before continuing. "Alright, fine. You want to stay in denial, that's fine by me. I get to keep Jim for myself."

Spock's eyes flashed dangerously and he let out a sound that could almost be described as a growl. McCoy considered this a small victory. He moved in for the killing strike. "Maybe that's just as good. Jim might be settling with me, but at least he won't be stuck with someone who's so afraid of his own emotions he won't even admit to them to keep the love of his life from slipping away."

"_How do you know that will make him react?" McCoy asked. "I feel like I'm just feeding him the same line over and over again."_

"_It's not the same," Uhura said quietly. "He's had loved ones slip from his grasp before, in ways that made him regret not showing his emotions more. It'll strike a nerve with him, trust me on this."_

McCoy knew it had worked when Spock shook ever so slightly from the effort to keep his emotions in check. "I am not a coward." The Vulcan's voice was trembling like the rest of him.

"Oh no?" McCoy said. "You rejected Jim even though you loved him because it was _easier, _causing him a world of pain. Putting your needs ahead of your loved ones, that seems like cowardice to me."

Spock's fist clenched. "You have no idea what you are talking about. Pushing Jim away was a necessity-"

"It was a choice," McCoy shouted. "You deliberately chose to hurt him so you wouldn't have to deal with your own emotions."

"I did it for Jim. Everything I do is for him. Because of him. There is not a single aspect of my life that is not altered by his presence. Rejecting Jim was the hardest thing I have had to do and it had nothing to do with my own pain." Spock didn't sound angry anymore. There was a raw quality in his voice, something so deeply personal McCoy almost felt ashamed just listening to it. "But… it was for the best."

"What gives you the right to decide that?"

McCoy and Spock both froze. Standing in the doorway, looking decidedly pissed off, was Jim Kirk.

* * *

Um… please don't hate me?

Sorry, I know I left you guys on a cliffhanger not two chapters ago, but I needed some place to end this before it became unmanageable. If it makes you feel any better, I pretty sure next chapter will also be the last. It will also be up tomorrow, if my schedule holds up.


	8. Blue Ridge Mountains

**A/N: **Sorry for the gap between chapters, but this chapter just _would not be written. _Seriously, all the other chapters came to me so easily and then when I got to this one I realized I had no idea how to end this story. Then life suddenly caught up with me and I've been completely swamped for the past week. But still, I've never written so much so fast in my life. You guys are just so encouraging. I love this fandom and I am definitely writing more for it.

The title of this chapter has no bearings whatsoever to the content, it's just my favorite Fleet Foxes song and I've been kind of waiting to slip it in.

* * *

**Blue Ridge Mountains**

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* * *

**

"Jim!" McCoy spluttered. "How long have you been standing there?"

Jim shot his friend a pointed look. "Long enough. Anyone mind telling me what's going on?"

It was not a request. McCoy opened his mouth to answer, but it was Spock who spoke up. "I was simply having a conversation with the doctor. If you would like to talk to him I was about to go back to the bridge."

He moved forward but Jim stepped in his way. "Oh no you don't. We've been sidestepping the issue long enough. I want an explanation." His voice was strong, but there was a very slightly quiver in it that gave him away. He knew there was a good chance this conversation would leave him even worse off than before.

"An explanation?" Spock repeated. How he could look so composed when Jim and McCoy had witnessed him pour his heart out mere moments earlier was beyond the young captain. "I have already informed you of the situation. I do not know how I can explain it further."

"How about you start with what you just told Bones?" Jim suggested. "Because it completely contradicts what you told me last month. Which is the truth?"

Spock fidgeted. "Ah." He paused and when he resumed there was almost palpable bitterness in voice. "It is hardly relevant anymore."

Jim crossed his arms. "It's our relationship. I'd say that's relevant."

"Seeing as how you are already involved with the doctor-"

"Whoah, Bones and I are not… 'involved'," Jim cut in. "Okay, what you walked in on last night might have been a little… but I was drunk and Bones isn't interested in me that way."

Spock looked confused, or as confused as a Vulcan could get. "He informed me of your romantic entanglement not five minutes ago."

"Did he now?"

McCoy, who had been slowly but steadily backing out of the room since the conversation started, froze in his steps.

"Well, I didn't say that exactly," he defended. "I… insinuated." Jim raised an eyebrow. "I was just trying to get some response from the cold-blooded bastard!"

"By sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?" Jim said angrily.

McCoy scoffed. "Where it doesn't belong? He hurt you, Jim. I had to do something."

"I asked you not to," Jim reminded him.

"Well, it was all Uhura's idea."

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just how many people know about this?"

"You're not exactly subtle," McCoy informed him. At Jim's glare he raised his hands in defeat. "Look, I'll stay out of it. Leave you to your talk."

And he was gone. Jim turned back to Spock, who had his gaze fixed on the floor. Neither of them moved.

Jim sighed. "Spock… I don't want to force you into admitting something that isn't there. But if- if you do feel something for me, something other than apathy or annoyance, then I think I have to right to know why we can't act on it."

Spock stayed silent for a long while. "I do feel… something for you Jim. Something that is very hard for me to repress." He looked up to meet Jim's eyes. "Something I do not _want_ to repress."

"Then why do you have to?" Jim asked before he could stop himself. He stepped a little bit closer to his first officer and the hope in his chest flared when Spock did not back away.

"It shames me," Spock continued. "And I cannot let my emotions show, I cannot admit to them. Do you understand?" His gaze turned almost pleading. "When she lived I could not tell my own mother I loved her. I cannot do it for you."

"I don't care," Jim said. He stepped closer. If he just reached out a little he would be able to grasp Spock's hand in his own… "If you can't show it either that's fine. I don't need that kind of validation, I'm emotional enough for the both of us."

Spock shook his head. "You are human. You need-"

"I need you," Jim whispered and took another step. Their noses were almost touching. "The rest of it I can get by without."

He bridged the gap between them with a light touch of his lips against Spock's. It lingered for only a second before he pulled back.

"….I'm sorry," Jim muttered. "That was probably out of line."

He got no verbal response. Instead, Spock leaned in and kissed him tentatively. Jim responded immediately and grabbed the front of Spock's shirt, pulling him closer. Spock grasped his arms in return. The kiss was gentle and teasing and _wonderful _after six weeks of tense shifts, furtive glances and assurance that this was _never _going to happen, ever.

Even when it broke they still clung onto each other, neither able to let go.

"I am sorry," Spock murmured and his breath tickled Jim's face.

"I thought apologies were illogical," Jim teased.

"In most cases," Spock agreed. "Yet sometimes they are necessary."

Jim smiled shyly. "It's all right. I shouldn't have pushed."

"And I should not have lied," Spock said. Jim hummed in response, but didn't contradict him.

"What now?" He asked after a long silence.

"That depends on you," Spock told him. "You know my reasons for rejecting you now. If you will still have me-"

Jim grinned. "Do you even have to ask?"

The next kiss they both saw coming and it held everything of the others before and more. And even though they probably had a long time to go, especially Spock, Jim reasoned to himself that he had never backed down from a challenge and he wasn't about to now.

THE END

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Yay, it's over! I hope you're not all _too _disappointed in this ending. Hey, the sequel is yours if you want to! I'd of course have to plan and write it first, but you know… I will if you ask me. In fact, I'm putting up a poll on my account asking you guys what you think I should focus on next. I have a couple of ideas for Trek fic, and since I can't decide what I want to write first I'm letting you guys pick.

Anyways, I just want to say thanks for reading all this and to those who reviewed, you are awesome people, all of you.


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